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Follow ROBB MURRAY on Twitter @FreePressRobb

Follow ROBB MURRAY on Twitter @FreePressRobb

(Editor’s note: While this is a family-friendly column published in a family-friendly newspaper, the following memory contains graphic imagery and may not be suitable for younger readers … I mean, if there are any younger readers, which I’m skeptical about given everything we know about young people and media. According to anyone too young to see an R-rated movie, if it’s not on a tiny screen in their hands it didn’t happen, right? Anyway, consider yourself warned.)

Remember that great show, “Taxi”?

I do. I mean, I do and I don’t. It wasn’t exactly must-see TV for me. It ran from 1978 to 1982, starred Judd Hirsch, Danny DeVito, Tony Danza, Christopher Lloyd and Marilu Henner. And, of course, Andy Kaufman in his unforgettable role as Latka Gravas.

The frigid air that swept across the region this week had me, of course, super crabby. And as I sat in my car wishing I was someplace warmer, I was suddenly reminded of a scene from “Taxi.” I don’t remember much about the episode, other than this: A car, probably a cab, broke down somewhere in New York City on a bitterly cold day and Latka and another woman were in the back seat. (Although, let’s be honest, how much do New Yorkers really know about “bitter cold” compared to Minnesotans? It was probably, you know, in the low to mid 20s, the kind of weather where Minnesotans are still grilling out and running 5 miles before work in the morning, but I digress.)

After some banter, Latka and his companion decide that the only way to survive this terrifying ordeal is to raise their body temperatures by engaging in sexual intercourse. The last thing I remember about that scene, which was shot from a point of view of the front windshield area, is their bodies disappearing behind the seats.

For years afterward, I honestly thought this was a thing — that people could save themselves from freezing to death, could ward off the grim reaper with a strategically timed roll in the hay. It took decades for my feeble mind to finally figure out that, no, Latka didn’t necessarily need to have sex with that woman to survive. He just needed to have sex with that woman.

Which brings me to my topic today. It’s cold and crappy out there, you guys. It’s basically the epitome of the Minnesota vibe. Piles of shoveled snow in cone-shaped mounds grow at the ends of driveways. Kids walk to school dressed like polar explorers (wait, did I say walk? I meant to say “get dropped off at school” … silly me, kids don’t walk to school anymore!) Mittens become the new currency. In our house, a nice matched pair of mittens can be traded for Friesen’s cookies or Culver’s French fries.

As for me, I’m the coldest person I know. In my posh corner office in The Free Press Media compound, I’ve been so cold at times that my fingers stop working. When it’s your job to type, and you can’t type … troubles, troubles. Luckily, the fine management team here acted swiftly and acquired a radiant heat-producing thingamabob that’s been warming the place right up. I’m happy. No more troubles.

When the situation is such that I’m freezing cold, I take necessary steps to fix that problem. Like going home to work. Or setting up my laptop on a table at one of our fine local establishments that sell warm beverages and play hipstery music.

But I was curious what others have done to stay warm, what odd measures they’ve taken in the past that may seem beyond the pale but, in the moment, seemed perfectly reasonable. I asked for some examples on Facebook. Here are a few of the responses I got, sans names to protect the innocent.

■ I was 8 or 9 and we had learned how to build a fire in Cub Scouts the previous summer. My dad was notorious for keeping our furnace low and it was freezing in my house. So a couple of buddies and I decided to build a fire in my basement. We made a makeshift fire ring — next to the furnace I might add — and actually got a fire going. But we started two of my mom’s dental assistant uniforms on fire and the whole basement filled with smoke. We got it out, called one of my friends’ dads who was on the Mapleton Fire Department and he came over to teach us how to “vent” a home! He never did tell my parents and mom spent days searching for those uniforms, which we had bagged up and thrown away in a dumpster up town.

■ This morning I opened the dishwasher mid-cycle, rubbed my hands over the rush of hot steam and I must say it felt real nice.

■ One of my sons was on the West ski team in high school. I hate being cold so I always wore my “watch the ski race coat,” which was a long, down affair. My feet would get super cold so I had battery-operated boot warmers. When they ran out of juice, my husband bought me these totally ridiculous, huge puffy down hunting boots to wear over my regular boots. Did I mention they were camo? So probably no one could see them …

■ I drank hot water. This was before I liked coffee and tea. I heated water in the microwave and drank it.

■ My friend Mary and I ran through the parking lot of our high school to my car. We pretty much just screamed the entire time. Once we started to warm up a bit, we declared we were not getting out of the car until spring. An idle threat that made us feel better.

■ I put oven mitts on my feet once when I was too lazy to go upstairs to get slippers.

■ Many years ago Phil was living in California and decided to move to Minnesota to be with me. He was heading across the country with his buddy in an old car with no heat. They hit storms in South Dakota and the car died. They were freezing in their California clothes and had very little money. They called me to come and get them but they needed a warm place to sleep that night. The little town they were in didn’t have any motel so they slept in the town jail. They sold the car in the morning when I got there to save them.

■ My car’s heater went out last week and I had to drive to St. Cloud on Monday to get a phone from my sister. So being my heat is out, I have to keep a window partially open so it won’t fog up. Well, by the end, I had: gone in my trunk for another scarf and blanket; stopped for coffee; and then I stopped at the sketchiest hotel in Clear Lake just so I could warm up and asked for some fake directions.

■ I went for a run outside one day last week when it was still above zero, but just above. I was still cold many hours later so my husband hauled out the space heater, set it up right in front of me, and made some epic brandy tea while I sat there still wearing a hat and covered in blankets. Alcohol helps.

■ When I was about 12 years old, my friends’ mom dropped her sons and me off to go sledding at Sibley Park. The plan was to sled the hill for a couple hours before being picked up again. It was a cold, sunny and calm afternoon. But the wind picked up and it turned into a very uncomfortable day to be outside. We dug a cave into a snow drift and huddled together. At the time it felt like a life or death experience.

■ The coldest I have ever been was in Dallas, TX - Thanksgiving 1986. I helped park cars at the Cowboys game, and every part of my body was numb from the cold. I felt so frozen that I went into the women's bathroom and hung out there during the game. It was maybe only 10 degrees warmer in the bathroom, but at least I stayed alive. Right? I have never been so painfully cold as that day.

■ After a cold football game my fingers would be so cold that I would run cold water from the tap on them so they could warm up. When playing pep band in the winter I would bring my coat and shirt beneath it up to my face and breathe warm air down my shirt. When my hands were cold in the middle of a game during pep band I would clap and yell for the team whilst jumping up and down on the bleachers. I once went to a potluck for friends and family in the middle of October and went straight to the food so I could eat the warmest food I could find without burning myself. I ended up eating some interesting things, including liver.

■ Robb, I don't think there is a "weird" thing to do when it's this cold! But, I once wore my footie pajamas to school under my clothes-in high school, but then I wore my pajamas to volleyball 6 a.m. practice too, maybe it was just a pajama thing, or laziness? No, I'm sure it was the cold. Wink.

We also used to sit as kids over the old fashioned ornate floor heat grates at my grandma Harris' house with quilts over heads like a tent. I would hear that blower start and we would run for the the middle of the house to be the first over the grate. It was extra nice with a warm robe or dress because it blew up all that hot toasty goodness to the top and soaked it in to keep you warm for, well at least a little bit ... I remember times with my brother and cousins. It was fun because the air puffed out my attire and made a ballerina dress fit to twirl - which of course I did ungracefully - or created a "Santaesque" look that of course made us puff our cheeks and "Ho,ho,ho!" until someone -- my Uncle Richard -- would complain we were as loud as Sugar Plum Tree Elephants! Which made us howl with laughter rather than his intended, "Children are to be seen and not heard," motto. I was never very good at following that family rule.

■ Deer hunting i stuck toe warmers all over my body to stay warm.

■ Burrowed neck deep into a big round bale of hay.

■ I drag around a space heater by it's cord from room to room. Like it's a pet.

■ In a SD snowstorm we lost power for 2 days, but my oven was gas, so we hung 2 blankets over the hallways to keep the heat in just the kitchen and living room and baked cookies and cakes all day. We had a campout with sleeping bags in the living room to sleep (my son was 3 and loved it).

■ Growing up in Rhode Island in the 70's it was common practice to use plastic bread bags to keep your feet warm in the winter (think Wonder Bread bags on your feet before you slid them in your boots). My 4th grade teacher even had a trash basket by our student coat closet that read "Bread Bags From Boots Only." Very easy to convince yourself at age 9 that you really ARE Wonder Woman when your footwear endorses this. It wasn't until I moved out of New England that I realized this was not "normal."

■ When I was a kid I lived in a drafty prefab home. I would curl up in front of the floor vent in my bedroom to absorb as much warm, dusty air as possible. One day I pried open the vent grate and found an old mystery comic book stuffed inside the heating duct. Body warmed AND imagination warmed!

■ Well it wasn't wise ... But years ago when we were seriously poor, we drove a wonder car with no heat. So we put a fish house stove in the backseat so we could drive from Brainerd to St. Cloud to buy groceries (we're lucky we didn't die from carbon monoxide poisoning) then we would get burgers from Mickey D's and keep them warm on the stove in the backseat. Those were the days.

■ Growing up in an old house, the kitchen sink had a porcelain dish drying area (rippled) with an old school stand-up radiator underneath. I use to move the drying dishes and sit on top of it to do my homework in the winter. The cat hung out there as well.

■ When we were little we used to start the oven and, when it warmed up, we would open the door and stand in front of it. It was a gas oven so not very safe ... but cozy!

■ Danced to no music! Sit on my hands!

■ Snuggle with my granddaughters, hot chocolate and a space heater. If that doesn't work, we jump on the treadmill for a spin.

■ Not to weird, but people resist this excellent method of warming ice cold hands. Put your hand(s) on your torso. Skin to skin. Our torso generally has lots of heat (especially if we've been active) and if you can get over the initial shock of the temperature difference this is a nifty trick.

■ Reading chapters from Laura Ingalls Wilder's book "The Long Winter" can make a person feel warmer.

■ My mom always told me to rub my arms and legs vigorously! I never thought it would work but I tried it the other night! Thanks mom you were right! Helps the circulation!

■ After our last show in Winona this past Saturday, we sat in an outdoor hot tub and ordered a pizza while singing Christmas carols. All skin that was not exposed remained warm.

■ When I used to run marathons, I was out with a group for a longish Saturday morning sub-zero run. After my feet quit hurting and went numb, I made them stop at the hospital, where I went in the ER lobby bathroom, took off my shoes and socks, and soaked each foot in cold water in the bathroom sink until the pain went away and feeling came back. Then we finished the run.

■ This isn't that weird, but it kept my Dad from frostbite as he marched across Europe in WW II and he passed the trick on to us in the days when winter boots weren't as warm as they are now. He lined our boots with newspaper. It acts as a good insulator and Dad said he was grateful he'd grown up in MN because the guys from the southern states had a horrible time with the cold.

■ If you want to warm your cold body quickly, run very warm water on the inside of both forearms for a couple minutes, it will warm the blood in your arms and your heart will pump the warmer blood through your entire body. In the summer, to cool off quickly, just use cool water. Works awesome.

■ Wore a hat to bed and then heated up the oven to cook thawed bread dough the next morning while in the shower. College days. We had ice on out walls.

■ When living in the woods in the damp and cold Oregon winters we heated rocks on a wood stove to take to bed with us. Made things real toasty for our feet.

■ When I taught at a Hutterite Colony near Huron SD, the children all wore handmade knitted slippers in very colorful variegated yarn colors instead of indoor shoes in the winter. We held our Christmas program and practices next door in their minimally heated church and in reverence we all removed our shoes upon entering. The children slipped on their slippers, but I was in stockings. One of the fathers felt very sorry that I didn't have any slippers and overnight, his wife made me my own double-lined, pink, purple and white variegated slippers which he presented to me to keep my feet warm for each practice and for the actual program. The mother who made them beamed with pride to see me wearing them leading the kids in song in my fancy holiday dress and her slippers.

Robb Murray is the Features Editor for The Free Press. He can be reached at 344-6386 or rmurray@mankatofreepress.com. Follow Robb on Twitter @FreePressRobb

Follow ROBB MURRAY on Twitter @FreePressRobb

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